Reality of My Loss

Losing a loved one is a part of life for us. And depending on who is lost, it can be so indescribable, so hard to explain because the feelings that come can range. I, like many of you, have lost a loved one and sadness is felt. But losing a parent is something that shakes you to the core,and as a true Daddy’s Girl losing my father has done just that. I have had grief enter my life in a way that feels like it is here to stay. I heard that I’ll never stop grieving, but it won’t stay so heavy, so consuming…so hard. My third book is an ode to my father, and it was born from thinking of good things when, as he perished, the grief started to try to consume me…

Wow…I wrote that almost a month ago. I stopped because the grief took over and the truth is, I am 2 days away from my Dad’s Celebration of Life and it still feels surreal. I don’t want to feel the emptiness that has come alive in me, since my Dad took his last breath. I feel his absence so profoundly, at times, it feels like the silence of it all is so loud, too loud. But then there are times when the grief makes everything so quiet except for my cries. I just miss him so much but I am so happy he isn’t sick anymore. 

As we have planned this Celebration, my heart has broken a little more each day we get closer to the day. It's like I can’t wait to celebrate him, but it feels like the surrealness is going to give way to the reality of it all. There is a part of me that is somewhat unsure of how this reality will show itself during the service part of the Celebration, for me. This uncertainty is real because I have never lost a parent, and I know they are to go before we do, I just feel like I wanted more time with my Dad. I wanted my child to have more time with him. The next book, as mentioned before, is about him and I got to read it to him before he passed. It was so special. He seemed restless and tired, so I read my ode to him and he softly and sweetly drifted off to sleep. It’s like my ode gave him the peace he needed to take the nap he also needed. Rest my Daddy, I will forever love & miss you. I will talk to you every day and will need you to watch over us all. Thank you for ALWAYS making me feel loved, supported, and cherished. You were the best and I am blessed to be your child, your first-born.